YOE-ism

Finally, the awaited day has now arrived! The moment that I have been looking forward to meet is now in front of me and I have to thank no other but The Most Merciful God, Allah SWT for making this a reality for me to grasp. I am now, have completed all my examination papers, with still having healthy baby within me to move on until it is the right time for him to arrive. And as for now, I am so much ready to welcome his arrival as I have no more agenda to chase and get over with. I will just have to wait patiently until my water is broken!

Having the opportunity to go through this final class attending semester is such a miraculous blessing! I have been praying from day 1 I knew I was pregnant for me to be able to catch my breath and let me get over with what I should be doing i.e. my personal commitments before I could deliver this blissful blessing! And finally I knew that all of the prayers I have made have come to a state of grant! They were all heard indeed.

Many of you may not know the hassles and barriers that I have to challenge to get through this semester while I am in a state of ‘should be getting better rest’ for the sake of the baby’s and my own health. And as it has been going on for so many months, I have treaded the hard cycles alone without my husband to crutch me physically. Emotionally, he has been the greatest help I could have ever got. Nevertheless, I should feel thankful for that although I wish he could do more than that. And now, I am at the comfort zone as I have completed my exams, assignments and presentations peacefully despite the edginess that has been biting my back waiting for my labour day.

And as soon as I am about to put an end to this semester’s journey, I have received many surprising admiring remarks from few course mates and lecturers regarding my strength; physically and mentally without fail attending the classes where I have equated myself with others who do not have the extra commitment as I do. While I still do not see the exact point of my strength but I know it was not easy to get through it.

It has been a very astounding point for most people that I have met that I still manage to drive quite long distance even in my final trimester and now I am already 37 weeks (which is more than 9 months), yet I am still driving to anywhere I think I should go. I still climb stairs like before, I had submitted my assignments earliest than other people do despite I had 14 papers of assignments to focus on and I had voluntarily offered myself to be among the first presenters although I could opt for a later date. And with all the burdens, I still can look good with my physical appearance. Perhaps, those were the reasons of an opaque admiration.

Indeed, God has been beside me all this while. It has always been HIM offering me all the helps and health to keep on moving. And of course, since I have this baby in me, my reasons to succeed are no longer for myself but rather for him and for my beloved husband who has incessantly bestowed prayers upon me and been loving me this much that have inspired me to exceed the limit of my own ability. And now, I just truly believe that we will get somewhere once we have the will. External or internal, any will do.

Somehow I think I’ve gone through worst life cycle ever, but fact has to be bear in mind; there are always more pathetic cases! I might have fallen over and over again, but it’s always not easy to get up straight on my feet after my mind has told me that my incident is the worst case scenario! Experiences never really teach me a lesson.

Being healthy mentally is very crucial! Imagine a life without optimism? Faith and hope are always there for me, but there is always this resilient voice telling me that I’m hopeless! That’s not right, I know!

Plans are always twisted, most of the times. But I won’t stop believing, never!

Living a life now is no longer for oneself, but more for others’ purpose, which is the best thing I have ever felt in this life! It is beautiful beyond words.

So now, I’m on my way completing my second semester. There are 3 more weeks to go before I’m shackled with my exam papers. Bashed with 14 written assignments for the whole semester is not a picnic at all! I somehow feel unfair treatment was served! And while my baby is growing, I’m no longer in my comfort zone of doing anything! It’s in the 8^th month now, but it doesn’t show that way. God knows best. If He ever created bigger bulge than this, I probably need a driver to the campus!

So far, I’m still keeping myself to my old XXL wardrobe, except for few pants. Had no choice but to get new ones to keep myself at ease. I always think that being pregnant should not stop women from being stylish! But I think in most cases I know, they even put on maternity outfits as early as they are in the 2^nd month! Purpose? Well, probably to make a covert announcement. My husband told me, some women are overjoyed with their pregnancies as it is the ultimate indicator of their femininity! Perhaps it is true. Anyway, it is a man who did the talking.

One of my exam papers has being moved to an earlier date, just because it is 10days away from my due date! The lecturer refuses to take the risk and so she requests for an amendment. That’s so thoughtful of her!

It’s somewhere 6-7 weeks away before the new person in my life arrives. I’m a bit terrified although I can’t really wait for his arrival! I hope God has planned it well for me – for me to complete this semester and sit for my exams safely. It’s all in God’s hands.

I have been wandering around lately, searching for what else to do to ease my boredom and loneliness. I stay home most of the time, taking my own sweet time to put my body to rest and my mind in peace. Now I know driving in pregnancy is so taxing, and it is worse if you have to fight the contemptuous traffic jam all the way.

Nowadays, as I’m coming to my 6^th month, my body aches easily and I hardly sleep at night. There will always be few times in the midst of my sleep that I have to wake up for loo sessions and fixing my numbed hands and legs. And to get back to sleep? O yes, not as easy as I thought it could be. I have been rolling eyes for more than half an hour before I could end up in another cloud of dreams.

I am bored at home, but I think this is the only way I could have a good rest before I’m urged to classes on some other days. There is no more room for shopping as I don’t find a good reason to do so except looking for maternity pants (thinking of) and buying things for my unborn baby. Still, I refuse to go alone while I only will be meeting my husband twice in a month!

Being alone most of the time gives me more room to reflect. It has sculpted me to be a better vicegerent of God and pinches the hiatus between me and Him. I have to be thankful after all, despite the hardship that He has tested upon me.

So now is my 6^th month, and I have gained 9kilos so far! But that is not the only change I’m going through. My skin tone has changed! It is now darker and bleaker. J

Quoted from my husband about my skin, “it’s no longer glaring! Or else, you look so ‘bright’!”  

It is a bit weird for me, but once a while, I wouldn’t mind. I have never been this dark in my entire life anyway. It’s all right. My face is different too. It’s now bloated and my nose looks like a clown’s – red and round!

I know I have to lose my weight again, once I have delivered the baby. Going through the tedious process that I have been through a year ago…*sigh….

But by the way, I have got the baby scanned. It’s a boy. J

Now I’m back in town and finally back with classes. I hope this semester will be the last one that I have to attend the classes since by next semester; I should be ready to write my dissertation. And for that reason, I’m left with no choice with the class schedule but to abide to it. What had happened to me last semester was actually much better than what I have to go through this semester.

The courses that I’ve signed up this semester are as many as what I have taken last semester but the timing for each course is crazy and it has forbidden me to travel to meet my husband. Yes, we are still separated and I just don’t know when will be the right time for us to be together.

Being separated like this may sound all right to some people. But I have tried so hard to get used to it since last semester but it has never turned out to be fine. And right now, my baby is growing and I find it’s not easy to move around without a husband by my side. But yes, both of us own different commitments and life must go on. Since not many options are available, few sacrifices must be met. So I guess that is what I’m doing right now; putting myself together and stay focus. To be honest, what is said may appear easier than implementing it.

I’m expecting to deliver this baby somewhere in May; it might come out earlier than expected and if it does, I do have another reason to worry because I will be sitting for my final exam at the end of April and I couldn’t help to deliver it during this period. I’m hoping that God has arranged it nicely for me so that I could properly deliver my baby on time as soon as I’m done with my exams. I’m fully aware that my time going to classes this semester will be tougher as the baby is growing and I will totally be on my own striding the sturdy traffic jam in

.

I can’t help lamenting, and I hope, despite the obstacles obstructing my way, inner strength is still there to guide me through.

Soon, just right after Christmas, my student’s life will be back on track – the schedule seems to be tighter, the classes are heavier and I’m sure the burden will be more. Not much to complain though, but at least my nausea is about to ease bit by bit.

I’m still throwing up 2 days back especially when too much oily food is consumed or over devouring the food after I have let wind and gas filled up the empty tummy for some time. The doctor has been advising, “Don’t take too much food at one time, but rather eat little at several times.”

O dear, just as far as I can remember, none of the new eating habit used to be my favourite back then. And now, all I have to do is to practice a new routine which is not amusing at all. Although I used to be an obese at one time, but I have never been a couch potato. I just could not eat or munch every couple of hours! No way! But now, I have to and no wonder I have gained like 6 kilos since I’m pregnant!

I lost weight quite impressively when I was in my 2^nd month. Thanks to all the vomitings, the loss of appetite and both seem to blend well in the month of Ramadhan, which adds another reason of my weight loss. But I gained back in the 3^rd month and being statically steady as I reached my 4^th. And now, I’m approaching to my 5^th month, but being among the rare cases, my nausea a.k.a. morning sickness does not really fade that easily despite many people may find it ceases at the end of the 1^st trimester.

But fortunately, as soon as my 1^st trimester ends, my nausea is not as bad as before – I throw up only once a day or the day after another, which is not like before – nothing to keep for the baby and everything goes down in the toilet bowl.

The bad news now – I’m so not feeling well. Flu, fever and sore throat – a very right package indeed! I’ve just got back from my honeymoon, finally we had one! The weather is bad all over

Malaysia

 currently and I guess it has inflicted my health to turn out to be this way. It is very unwise for me to get sick, because right now, everything I have within me – my antibody and nutrients are meant for sharing and once I’ve got sick, it will be hard to recover due to insufficient supply. I just hope it will ease soon. I hardly breathe, can’t really taste or smell food and things around me. And the worse, I can’t smell his scent around me which I love the most! J

I’ll be back to Kedah to celebrate Aidiladha soon since my Aidilfitri was celebrated here in Klang. I just hope I will get well soon, to take up a long journey on an inconvenient ride. Keep on praying!

It’s been so long I have left this blog writing. I’ve been too occupied, just can’t think of anything else besides what I am focusing so far.

Yes, I don’t work 8-5 like others, but my workload for my studies is just as worse. I don’t get enough rest, and my weekends are always vanished in time. I have to forsake my favourite pastimes, and purely focus on my mounting assignments or else, I won’t able to meet the deadlines.

It is very bad, when at the same time I have to travel back to my husband’s place in Kedah, every fortnight and sometimes every week! I can’t describe the aches I have felt all over me. I guess patience and love are the only elements of strength that push me forward.

And now it is Ramadhan, almost reaching the end of it. It’s my first time ever manage to fast without ‘taking leave’. But I did break it for 2 days, but not because of that ‘woman thing’ but rather a very bad morning sickness. Now, it is growing in me. I know it is still early, but the bulge is there. Probably, my fat is affecting the size as well. J

To have another person in me, I feel like I have a loyal companion. Someone I can talk to when I’m lonely, although the response is rather covert. But yes, just like others, the nauseous feeling, the bile and vomits, that metallic taste and the fatigue are the main challenges I have to face. It’s just worse in this fasting month, I hardly eat and even if I eat, the food just can’t stay long. When I start to gag, so that’s it! It is indeed not fair for both of us because I didn’t take nutritious food very much. It’s not that I am selfish, but I just couldn’t!

Most of the cases, after the first tri-semester, it will be all right. I’m enthusiastically looking forward for it. I hope it will be over soon. I will sit for my final exam at the end of this month, and I’m praying hard for my good health; mentally and physically. As for this week, I’m still hiking the staircases for my classes. This week is the last one; final class, final paper to be submitted and final presentation of this semester.

I will start a new semester end of December. I’m probably in my fourth month that time. The bulge is definitely more obvious and my weight will be more I supposed. Currently, I don’t gain much, I even lost few days back.

My raya is rather different this year, I have new set of family to celebrate it, new places and houses to visit. So everything is for the first time, and I hope it will go well.

So I guess I would like to end it here. Selamat Hari Raya to all of you who are celebrating it and do drive safely. Maaf zahir batin.

What I am up to currently:

1. Me as a full-time Masters student now.

- I am driving back and forth to UM from Klang almost everyday for classes and library visits. It is extremely taxing, especially when I have to tread the traffic jam in the Federal highway, most likely all the time. Well nothing much I can do when that’s the only route I know, the only one I’m familiar with.

- I’m started to feel so tensed with the course. There are just too many things to do, and too many things to worry. Each class has its own behaviour – weekly assignments per se, which does not include the major assignments within the assessment itself and just doesn’t seem to give me room to start with the major ones as the “littles” are keep on coming! Homework, group discussion, presentations! Duhh!

- I’m in a big dilemma now. Should I go by coursework or dissertation? I’ve signed up for coursework, but it seems that coursework requires me to spend more time attending classes and little assignments, whereas I still need to my Research Report at the end of the semester, which is only 10,000 words difference from the dissertation! Oh God, I’m so confused! Will seek advice from the authority soon!

2. Me as a traveler

- Every Friday, I will be on the bus to Kedah and coming back to Klang on every next Tuesday. Again, so taxing! I hurt my back badly now, and 2 days in my week have actually wasted on the bus, which causes severe fatigue for my classes and assignments.

- Traveling does not only cause problems to my time management but it also affects my emotion. I am so torn to be away from him. I just can’t bear being alone without him. The situation discourages my alertness, diverts my focus and inevitably hurts me so badly. I just hope, keep on praying for it soon be over although I know, well acknowledged that it’s still a long way to go.

I just need more strength. Strength and patience are all I ask for. And above all, I always want him to be safe and happy.

So now, I’m stepping into my third week of being wife. And a generally asked question would be, how’s life now or either way, what’s the difference from the moment being a bachelorette?

Personally for me, nothing much has changed. Why?

1.     We are still away from each other – there’s just no “under one roof” yet.

2.     Everytime we meet during the weekend, we are still staying with our parents. So, I haven’t done my fulltime wife thingy such as cooking, washing the clothes (although machine is operating it most of the times), or ironing his working attire.

3.     I still address him as “sayang”. By the way, is it necessary for us to shift our calling to “abang” as we’ve got married? Hell, no!

4.     I still do my shopping alone. I have no groceries shopping obviously. Apparent;y, I reckon it will hardly happen in this kind of distant relationship.

5.     We don’t have any planning to set up our own house. We are not heading to any furniture store to get any equipment for our house. No house, so why need to care about all the equipments, right?

6.     We text and call each other as usual. The mushy and corny messages are still all over. It’s healthy, isn’t it?

So, I guess not much difference is going on as I’m a wife, except for a legal and blessed relationship instead. I feel more comfortable now, more secured and definitely more responsibled. I guess all the responsibilities of a husband and wife will totally come in action once we’ve moved independently without any supervision from our parents and I really hope that time is sooner than I’ve expected. It seems impossible but with help from God, no one can deny it.

Days are eating me up, acknowledged enough!

I am counting days, not to say that I can’t wait, but I’ve had enough of the tedious hassles!

I don’t think I’m that last minute in settling things, but there are few things which have left uncontrolled and have driven me crazy!

My wedding dress for an instance; from the first fitting, I know that it was not right. Thus, it had gone to its first alteration. Fine. Second fitting which was 2 weeks later, I barely felt the difference! And 2 days after that, the bridal tailor called me and announced; it wasn’t yet altered! Damn you!

All right Yoe, take a deep breath and let her take it for the alteration. My mom had blown her rage from the first moment she saw the dress and said that another alteration is fine but if it’s still wrong, “I want a new one!!”

Hence, last night, the final fitting; which got me panicked, as I know nothing much can be done, because it didn’t suit my size from the beginning!

So there you go! Seriously need a new one! So, this coming week, which is already my final week before the event, I will do my final fitting and hopefully it works nicely this time! Or else, don’t blame me if your boutique ever burned down disgracefully.

And this week also will be my final one at work, being an employee. The good thing; no more deadlines and rules. The bad one; definitely no more monthly pay. But I guess a sacrifice is apparently needed to arrive at another end.

On 1^st July, my father will be the one who unites he and I.

“Mohamad Putera, aku nikahkan dikau dengan puteriku, Che Nooryohana…..”

Gosh! Scary!!

As for now, all I can do, is to keep on praying for the best, hopefully the flow of the event is smoother than expected. Yes, I am a bit edgy right now. It’s hard for me when I still have few other unfinished plans weighing on my mind.

Ibu and bapak, thank you for everything. You’ve taken care of me perfect enough and words are never enough for me to express my gratitude for all your love and courage. So I guess these coming 2 weeks will be the final ones I will be under your guardianship. It feels like tearing me apart to be someone else after I’ve lived as your girl for 26 years now. As for my lovely Karmila, charming Fayyadh and cheeky Rashid, please bear another week for us crashing together sleeping in one room. I guess I won’t be able to that again later.

And God, please, I’m just so faltered right now. I need more strength and excitement to face that day. I’m just too happy to be with him, yet too broken to leave my family behind. Your guidance, is all I ask for.

I was triggered by Jan this afternoon with her idea of quitting her job as I’ve done mine for full-time studying. As I’m so used to being in the office the whole day despite I’m so desperate to be so loose with my time, I don’t find that attending classes and doing assignments the whole way is going to amuse me later on. Therefore, why don’t I hitch onto a part-time job instead?

Yes! It indeed sounds interesting to me.

And there she went and gave me a link to few employers who are looking for part-timers. I clicked on one – which was looking for an English classes assistant – which sent my face straight to a smiley one as I saw the link. However, since the requirement was very much lower than my qualification, I started to doubt the payment. And at the end of the ad, there was a contact number and as my curiosity was starting to roar, I just went ahead and gave that number a call.

A lady picked it up. She sounded very much Chinese although some of her pronunciations did sound little bit of American and I was very sure she must be in charged there. And yes, she is a Chinese.

I directly asked her about the post, while she was very busy to know about my qualification. I told her the details of my first degree and my future postgraduate program as well. She sounded so much impressed and interested, but that relieved feeling wasn’t long when she started to tell me that this isn’t the job for me if I’m so in need of money.

The statement sent me to a pondering state. I mean, how low can the payment be? When she told me real rate, I started to calculate. And yes, I think I can earn more in Herbalife rather than this. She went on and elaborated on the schedule and I kept on listening hard.

The place sounds interesting as it is in educating line and I know this heart of mine; it’s hard to resist such passion.

So, I just went on and listened to her. The conversation started to get lengthier than it should when she started to ask me about the place I would be staying for my postgraduate study as she was offering me her place! Not for free, of course, but she was thinking to rent out some of her rooms. And again, she started detailing me everything a.k.a. promoting her assets.

To me, she sounds so pleasant. But it strikes me a question, if I’m staying with her, how about her kids and husband? Will they be comfy enough to have strangers in the house? And fyi, the children are all grown-ups. She stayed silent for few seconds as I asked about it before she started to gag out all the history. Yes, her husband dumped her for another woman who he met online after 24 years of marriage!

I was surprised, but not surprised enough with nowadays of technology. So, there it goes another ruined relationship. We went on talking as if we knew each other like years. She was in my mom’s age and she thanked me many time for making up her day as she hardly smiled and laughed these days. The call went on more than an hour and i had to end it up for my prayer.

And here I am, dressed in weird feeling. But I guess it’s true, only with few words, people can easily create a longer relationship. She displayed an interest to meet me and also wanted to get involved in more serious thing such as setting a business together later on as we’re in the same education line. I will want to consider that – a better prospect for me in the future, and it will also create the real me; a soul with great ambition and dreams.

Thanks Mrs. Lee. I may not know if you ever have an ulterior motive on me, but you did strengthen an idea within me. Yes, you’re right, man can never be trusted. A fortress for ourselves is highly needed and totally depending on them is definitely a very wrong thing to do. I know. By the way, thanks for your wish, wishing me all the best with my coming marriage. I really appreciate it.