YOE-ism

It’s been a couple of days that i’ve posted my new pic as the primary pic. And from there, few responses hit me, "who’s this?" "is this ur man?" and et cetera, cetera, cetera…but of course, the questions all around don’t seem to stop there but rather to prolong the matter to up another level from an ambience of questions to commenting.

When it comes to questions, it’s just either yes or no, but when it comes to comments, there must be something that u need to say; whether to agree, to stay neutral or to oppose. most of my close friends had realized long time ago how i was been doing with this guy. but those who i just met were definitely in blurry spots about this guy and more questions had come along; where do u meet, how long has it been going? how serious are you with him? and the list goes on and on…

the physical comparison has always come on stage when we start to get along with someone and i have no doubt that, since the beginning, this issue seems a never ending story for me. but of course, there are some things that i see which nobody else could see and in fact, this is so typical in any couple whom seem to contradict a lot with each other.

In fact, few latest comments had alerted me so far and to be exact, it seems that i’ve been experiencing another deja-vu for what i had passed through few years back while i was him back in year 2000. Those comments might scar him, although he may not know the whole thing, but as far as i’m concerned, those comments are absolutely unneccessary since he himself is more aware about it than anybody else.

The feelings of pride in me with who i am never intimidates the my peaceful sentiment towards him. I might have loved him lesser few years back but from the first day i’ve accepted his proposal, i know that i should bear in mind that what i see is what i get. Nothing else matters! I didn’t expect more, nor to change him into something else because obviously, what he had done to me was so much better than any good-looking guy out there could do for their gals.

i had being pierced with few torments while i was with him few years back, and it’s such a miracle for us to be together again despite the unbearable pain that we had. I’ve cast aside all the black feelings that i had and all i wanna do right now, is to stay together with him to the longest period that i could. but of course, terms and conditions applied.

By right, people could simply say anything they want and for me who has been dwelling in this realm for quite some time, it doesn’t sound offensive at all. but some were quite harsh, such as ”how on earth did ya fall in love with him?”, ”what’s so special about him?”. I broke into giggles when those questions were fired at me, cuz i’ve got used to it for a long time ago. but surprisingly, when he came over to my house, the response was all different from what i usually heard. my mom likes him, my sis adores him and his gf loves him even more! Yikes! anyhow, beauty always lies in its beholder. So far, the more time i spend with him, the more charm is coming out of him, which has actually driven me crazy, and forced me to stay up late at night for couldn’t help to close my eyes but to think about him all the way!

There’s a case of one friend of mine who is physically adorable, albeit with 2 kids, she is still appealing. Her spouse definitely doesn’t stand side by side with her but still, she married him. Y? and here the matter of predestination comes along. It’s so easy to comprehend; when you’re meant to be together, love and beauty will surround you, and doesn’t matter how far you’re trying to escape from your fate, it will always be a step ahead from you. but lately, she has been mentioning about the ‘ungratefulness’ of her partner which i think quite reasonable for her to feel remorse marrying him. and one thing for sure, the issue of how lucky her husband to marry a pretty chick like her has always centered our conversation. And for that reason, she thinks that she deserves the best from him because she has been trying all this while to be the best wife and best mother to the kids and i witness the whole thing with my own eyes and that has actually strengthened my justification.

i may have occupied few great things that he always wants in a gurl, but that doesn’t mean i’m such a perfect one for him. I always believe that being with someone, it seems better not to possess the same qualities but rather to complete each other. i’m lacking of patience, he has it. he’s lacking of firm stand, i have that. things like this can actually make me think and how to correspond to each other when things got tough; a counterpart per say. but a typical idea says, it would be nice if a couple shares something in common because we can actually do our likings together, and i second that. we do have things in common for sure, but i think in relationship, we should always fight for its survival if you really think it’s worth it. Dun ever step back if you haven’t tried and as you stepping further, you will understand better and once you feel a bit insecure with it , you will always know when to make it stop somehow.

It has been more than a week that i haven’t touched this blog. maybe i was out of things to share or i was extremely busy for the past 2 weeks - yea,the latter is based on a true story.

anyways, i just wanna post out the things that i’ve done last night. an ex-uni friend of mine was ere in Kay EL last night, she came for a training course somewhere in Putrajaya (she originally settled in Alor Setar), a government servant of course, and this is such a great opportunity for her to meet up with some of her good lost friends. it was like 5 months back when the last time i met her. and while she was ere for the very short period of time, i think i should spend some time to cherish her up. plus, i wasn’t that occupied yesterday’s evening, so, wednesday is always a great day for us to toss our heads for a movie-watching.

but before i managed to do that, she had done something that fired my heart up and my passion towards movie-going was almost melting. I couldn’t blame her for being so blur and confused when stepping into an alien place like putrajaya and cyberjaya but at least, a good communication line between her and people around would help. i planned to head for sunway pyramid since midval or OU were quite distant from here. i couldn’t help myself for iOi - the place is even worse although it would take me less than 20 mins to get there. the story went like this - i asked her to come over to my office with cab as soon as she had done with her course, but all of sudden, somebody had sent her. of "how she got ere" wasn’t a problem, but i needed her to inform me when she was ready to leave putrajaya for cyberjaya, so that i could catch up with my prayer and stuff, but she didn’t just because she was trying so hard to please the person who gave her a ride! and for her to tell them that "i need you to drop me ere and there" was such a hassle! God! and she tried to call me while i was praying and i received an sms saying that she’ll wait for me at MMU, so, i went there. when i’ve got there, another sms beeped, "i’m at the fire station"!!!! and at the same time, i was on phone with my man and i couldn’t help myself to yell and whine at him. luckily, he was such a helping force to cool me down and brightened up my raging emotion with his laughter… and things weren’t that bad as i thought it would be. but of course, i still belched out things to her,,, she severely needs an advice!nevertheless, the plan worked. we did go to pyramid after 1 1/2 hour crampped in a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam! juz that i was so tensed since things didn’t work out the way i planned. i always believed that an earlier shoved out from the office is always a better thing to do.

and as usual, the parking spaces were never seem enuff to fit the occupants, and we had another tormented time to surround the whole lots! fortunately, i reserved the tickets - Big Momma’s House 2 since the hall was quite packed last night, or else we might end up sitting few rows from the screen and that’s horrible! and for a lunatic laugher like me, backseats are always the best esp when it comes to high-class comedy like this!

but before we were in d movie, i did some browsings on few shops, ranging from bags, shoes and clothes. they were great - nice cutting, design and price too! but most of them were not my size, unfortunately. so, i recommended them to her instead. all this while, she would sound a bit frantic when it comes to pretty, irresistible skirts or blouses like that but this time, her reaction was plainly dull.

and as she stated her reason, i was driven by my imbedded exasperation to express my dissatisfaction. her only reason of not wearing those was because, her stepfather and her grandma didn’t allow her to - and their reasons :

• this is ain’t Kay EL, and a muslim malay gal should never wear pants; what more if it’s a denim or jeans! Baju kurung is ur way of dressing!– what is wrong with pants wearing? it still covers ur aurah! and by d way, wearing baju kurung is worse, it actually reveals ur curve even more when wind blows! and when ur stepping on a staircase, people can actually see half of ur calf! what’s so proper with baju kurung if it’s compared to a long, loose skirt? and this gurl is just trying to put on those things only during weekend and u can’t even tolerate on that?
• u should dress up as a malay, village gurl cuz people around you are such watchers, what would they say if u wear those stuff? they must have thought that u’ve adapted the KL lifestyle, and we as your family will be regarded as useless creature to bring up our child like that. — o God, this is even worse! y do u need to care about those nasty looks and sayings? yea i know that ur living in an attached neighbourhood but that doesn’t mean that u need to comply to whatever they want u to be. this friend of mine definitely out of bound to compare it with me or my some other KL-blood friends. Even if she’s with her pants, or skirt, she’s still considered as a proper muslim gurl. adoi, x paham nyer aku ngn makcik pakcik kat kedah nie…
• wearing pants or non baju kurung outfit would make no difference btwn u and those chinese or kafirun - ha ila weii….lg pening camnie,,,,,,there’s a time when i come to a speechless point and couldn’t involve more in the spat btwn their perceptions and mine. i think that’s the problem when u spend the rest of ur life in a narrow-minded society cuz u will be controlled by those notions forever!
• non baju kurung outfit is so synonym with low acquisition of manners and religion belief. — and if that’s so, who am i? didn’t i respect my parents? didn’t i try to cherish them? didn’t i peform my prayers and worship the same God just like u did?and now i’m getting more confused and enraged.

i prefer to leave those contradiction of ideas in your hands. i’m sick to comment more, indeed, our parents play a very big role to shape our way of thinking. and if i sound a bit liberal, and it’s not me to be blamed. hihihi….

we were out from pyramid when it was reaching midnight, the movie was great, a very useful mean to lessen our dreary mood.

I was out with him last saturday, well, we spent our time with food and movie only,,not much things played in our minds that day…after got out from OU around 3.30 pm, we shoved ourselves to SS14, pj and i was frantically surprised to know that the metrojaya relocation sale was still ON!!! i never know that!! i knew it had a relocation sale, but i thought it only lasted till early january….if only i knew earlier, i wud have….huhu,,,,wat else,,,,

by the way, i was on plan to fetch my sis, who was currently studying in gombak, so, after i’ve done my eyeing appetite in MJ, i drove instantly to her place together with him. on my way there, i called my mom, just for the sake of informing her that i was about to leave for my sis’ campus and she straightaway asked me whether i was still with him or not. so, i simply said yes. then, she asked more, ”doesn’t he wanna come over to our house?”, and i was startled, rounded my eyes cuz i was the one who did the driving that day, and if he came over to my house that night, how would he ever gonna go back to his place? and i asked my mom bout this, but with a very relaxed tone, she voiced, ”what’s the problem? he can just crash at our house, he can sleep with your lil bro”. i smiled, shocked a bit, then i replied, ”ermm,,i need to discuss with him first of all, and if it’s ok, he’ll be there”. we hung up then.

i asked him, he was a bit falter, maybe wasn’t that ready to meet my parents, in fact, the whole family! but i didn’t insist on it, and of course, i really want him to meet them since i’m about to step on a serious track with him now. he was getting  really nervous, he even stopped the car by the street to actually ponder more bout it. i couldn’t stop snickering at him, his face was out of blood, and logically, there’s nothing for him to be scared about.

me: so, how?

him: i’m scared.

me: Y? u still need to meet them, right?

him: i know, i do want to meet them, but not to spend my nights there. I’ve never slept in any gurl’s house in my entire life!

me: of course u won’t be sleeping in any gurl’s house, ngos! and if u ever do, siler berambus from my car now!

(we giggled again)

him: (snorted, and kept silent for few secs) here’s what i think, sooner or later, i still have to meet them, so, y can’t i do it now?

me: yes, true. so, is that a yes? ur coming?

him: yerps, that’s final.

I smiled again, stroked his back, trying to calm him down cuz obviously, there’s nutting for him to be afraid of. so, we went to his place, grab some necessary stuff and we headed to gombak straightaway after that. i reached my sis’ campus when it had started to get dark and she couldn’t stop whining in the car for my tardiness, it was jam packed for God’s sake and all i can do was kept on screaming back, ”SHUT UP!"

but one thing made her happy that day–> the arrival of her so-called bro in law to our house that day!! she was so optimistic about me and him, although in my eyes, our future was still vague..

As soon as he stepped in, my dad greeted him at the front door, siap salam cium tgn tuu…aduii…tharunyer akuu!! ni yg makin suker nii!!hehehhe…..so, we sat in the living room together, my mom just couldn’t stop smiling looking at him, i can see that he was all blushed that night! and i couldn’t stop teasing him too! so, few questions were projected by them towards us - me n him - and some of em were really terrifying! my mom dined us with nice food that night, and even the day after that. he was very overwhelmed with the hospitality provided - my dad even took him out to the market early in the morning yesterday while i was still in bed. it was so sweet to have him there.

i rolled back my memory when it was the 1st time i knew him, knowing how much he wanted me then, and knowing he still wants me up till today! i may be a bit unappreciative 6 years back, i slightly took him for granted, but all i know in my heart right now; to resist him today is almost impossible! we made a vow yesterday, let the past be on its own cuz to re-dig things out from their grave is not a wise thing to do as it will only bring out misery and rage within us.

i never dreamt this day will come, i never see him in my fantasy, i never know i want him this much, and i never know he will keep on chasing me with no despair although he fell terribly hard last time. God, i’m so touched, overwhelmed with his effort and sincerity. I seriously don’t want to expect more than i should cuz i always believe that fate is horrifically funny. all i’m asking for U God, is to give me strength to stay with him as long as i can, and as long as he can be true to me and cherish me all the way. all nice things happened in my house yesterday were all like a series of images which usually occur in a dream, i.e looking at him sitting with my parents in the living room, they dined together, played PS2 with my lil bro together, and helped my dad to hang some pics around the house…it’s like a dream, he couldn’t believe it up till today that he’s in love with me again, having me beside him, talking to my family, being in my house as if it was his, telling eye-to-eye to my parents that he really wants me and the most vital part is to know that i’m able to love him back, just he always wanted me to,,,and for me to believe it’s truly happened, is always more absurd than he’s believing….

i sent him back to his place this morning, and i don’t know when will we meet again since he’s been very bz lately,,,and now, i’m terribly missing him….

Living up my life for almost 25 fine years have given me an opportunity to categorize my gurl friends according to my own point of view. I’m not trying to offend anyone but as a matter of fact, i just want to list down what are the things that i adore bout ‘em and what makes them a b***h wanna-be. It’s so mind-refreshing to do this stuff, i can actually recall almost every friend that i’ve met along the way, and who had actually touched my heart in a special way, whom i intend to keep as friends forever.

I don’t think i’m able to bethink the moment when i was in kindergarten school, and i don’t think i could actually analyse and digest one’s trait at that time, it was too early to judge, too inaccurate to interpret. but as far as i can remember, i think i should start as early as i was in primary school - when i was in standard 2 = i was 8 years old.

Primary school

• not much i can remember but i think most gurlfrends i know during this time were sucked! most of them were power hungry, craving for attention, too much rivalry enthusiasm in them and just couldn’t sit still by knowing there was someone else who actually prettier, smarter, and richer from them! i didnt make out any good friend during this stage, was all doomed! and for me, i wasn’t that bitchy as much as em but they taught me something; don’t let ‘em keep on tossing u, and do act now! so, besides from being naturally born with blunt tongue, i became more bitchy with those who seemed can’t walk properly in their own shoes! I’ve learned how to brag, became cockier day by day, and although it’s bad, it had saved me from those nasty bitches around me. indeed, it had put me in a comfort zone on how to act respectively; treating one like one is treating you. when ur kind, the kinder i’ll become, but if ur not, i can be your worst enemy. i seriously don’t know y lil gurls at this age (around 8-12) were so, so atrocious when it comes to friendship. yea, mybe their brains are too small to think what life is all about.

Secondary school

• This was the best moment in my life! i’ve learned a lot from this stage; it was the first time ever i felt contented with the friendships i’ve created. Nevertheless, many backstabbers were around too - it added another type of spice in my life since bitches’ fairytale was such a never ending story in any angle of friendship that i tried to reach. the peak of happiness was in 1998-when i was back in limbang, sarawak, where i met my best buddies ever - despite we had too many differences - religion, style of life, culture, family background and education, we managed to keep it together and somehow, mutual understanding seemed to soar, and i was so touched!
• they were so kind, and gentle to the only one,a dangling muslim like me. they were fun, as loud as me, they could laugh as much as me and they even woke me up for my subuh prayers! i was so overwhelmed with the hospitality given and in fact, i never cried so much for friends until the moment i had to leave them and migrated back to kay EL. they prepared me breakfast every morning, accompanied me to the 1-mile, dark bathroom late at night, stayed up with me when i needed to do some revisions although they were not trying to study at all! indeed, they were not as smart as my previous friends when i was in Kay EL, but they were willing to learn, i even tutored ‘em few important subjects for our 1998′ SPM. in fact, they took school as a compulsory place to go without imbedding any ambitious prospect for their future. but i did help them out, i motivated them to change their inherited lifestyles; for gurls, they were expected to get married after they finished their schools, while the husband will be the sole provider for the family. it wondered me once; if that was ur ultimate destination,y do you have to waste ur time and money to school? but again, it came down to one reason; it’s an obligation and culturally done by everyone. The school i went in sarawak was the worst one i’ve ever been to - facilities were lacking in every part - but this was the place where i enjoyed most!! those gurls were such rare pearls and to replace them is almost impossible!

University:

• Probably another best moment in my life, and also the peak era of backstabbing and bitching behind my back. back in 1999, i formed a clique, which i could claim the best group of gurls on campus! but after 1-2 years, true colours of friends started to shine out, and it added another scar to my heart. In fact, up till today i don’t even know when it will heal as i can still feel the pain, and sends goosebumps to all over my body everytime someone mentions about them. i had few downfalls, few trusts were breached during this time and they were really, really awful!
• i met many so-called good friends but i ended up with too few of them. i’ve lost many while i was on my errands, and eventually i know who had actually being very true to me–those who i can share my tears, lift me up when i fall, and were around me when i needed someone. I kept few friends up till today, and i hope they will stay as they are to keep this relationship moving.
• But let me reiterate ere, those gurls with bitchy traits - like i saw when i was in my primary school were in fact, never gone! i saw more, greater forces, worse while i was on campus. the insatiable craving nature for attention was getting nastier as they grow older. and the worst part, it was very threatening when these bitches started to feel envy with any strong point that we might have cuz they will do anything it takes to kick you down!
• Another thing, it’s not easy for us to judge someone’s sincerity although we’ve been spending time with them for few years! and to play safe, i’ve learned one thing, always put doubt on someone, i know it’s not healthy and sinful as well, but too much betrayals all this while forced me to change the way i view things. my mom used to tell me, the only u can trust is God cuz human beings are full of flaws and to put hope on them will only lead you to undesirable disappointment.
• but now, different commitments in life had segregated us a bit, yea, i can no longer expect to meet them everyday just like i used to do while i was on campus. they would be there if i need them to, but to hang out like before seems no longer possible now.

In office:

• Being in an office doesn’t serve that much difference compared to the previous time that i had. But one thing for sure when it comes to an office aura, money is the main topic–> a. how much dya earn? b. what dya wanna do with ur salary? c. how much dya pay ur car loan? d. how much dya usually spend on your this n that? and the list goes on and on….
• Another trend is, people keep on talking bout their previous work experience (excluding me, since this is my first job), and their all on earth of complaints about it.
• Most people are in the age range of 23-40, and most of them are married, so they love to belch about their hubbys, kids, and marriage life. Well, i enjoy it sometimes but too much of it can make me sick since i don’t have my part to share. Not at the moment i think.
• so, to be exact with the topic of today, the new type of gurl friends that i’ve met ere are as the followings:

1. Shopaholic - i adored these type of gurls — they are just so ME and they would jump out from their seats when i blurted any info on sales ere n there! and they would accompany me to my fave stores, getting wildly frantic with 50-70% discounted items. such great chums to share opinions on fashions and brands.
2. Ass-Lickers - as we all know, in any workplace, office politics is such a MUST! I’ve seen many people who love to kowtow the top people to gain better places, better increment and to be favoured by everyone around. They are good, really good in talking regardless how much they have been bitching behind those people’s backs. They are so cunning and sleak that people hardly notice their true colours. It’s very hard to know whether they like you or not cuz all they can do is to be nice with you all the time but you will never know what they had done behind you. In fact, they are eating you up from inside deliberately and when you’re done, they’ll leave u just like that! They will do anything to protect their position regardless how many people are suffering.Very unreliable type of friends, damn selfish and i disgust them! Truly b***hes tooz!
3. Pretenders - almost the same as the ass-lickers, they are very good in taking care of your heart, cherish your day but at the same time, they’re killing you softly..just like a snake did to its prey. Slowly, but you will die eventually. and sometimes, they even pretend they’re a kind of i-know-it-all and they love to interfere in any issues that we’re discussing by interjecting their i-have-to-say-i-know-it-too. Obviously, they know nutting but lies!
4. Lazy bum - those who do not know how to do their own work but to complain others’. Fantastically annoying! Plus, they are such people who love to take credits for other people’s work and you can actually see the bragging looks on their faces!
5. Generous - very helpful when i don’t have cash in hand and they would lend me some before i pay them back the next morning.

so, i think that’s it for now.. i would add more, if i can recall more, but not in this post, it’s too lengthy by now, and i need to call it a day. Take care folks!

O gosh, after so many days off from work, i finally lost my enthusiasm to work again. well, actually, i’ve lost it long time ago but a couple of weeks back, i think i’ve resurged a new energy to fit myself into doing things although it contradicts with what i like.

and yeah, everything happens for a reason. and for me, i’ve discovered a brand new feeling lately…it’s unexpressive with words, a feeling which i’ve lost from my grasp for a long time ago and now it actually starts to incite..and i just do not know how to control it….will it explode, will it light me up in the dark, will it be gone again blown by the wind, or will it burn me and crash me into another state of misery?

while i was jaded thinking bout all this, all this while,,,i’m trying to help myself to open up myself for another chance to let someone to love and care for me. i may not sure who’s the one, but i have to let myself to indulge in that long-lost ambience, maybe for this final time, i have to push myself to another awakening moment after being in delirium state for so long.

and now, despite my sleepless nights, flooded calls and sms, i can never take it as an annoyance. it actually delights me, lightens my burden, dries up my tears and i can no longer lie to myself saying that i’m ALL RIGHT and there’s nothing is happening to me!

And today, everything he says seems right to my ears, every smile he gives seems cure to my wound, every touch he makes sends vibe to my veins, every sms he sends creates smile on my face, the sound of his voice seems to sing peacefully to me and his existence in my life is now an important value that i might need to retain. I’m still uncertain of how to navigate this ship, but for the 1st time i’m surprised with myself, it’s not his material/physical parts that impressed me, but it’s his heart and truthfulness insist me to believe it’s true.

Will it remain true forever?